Mayor rejects Catholic call to end free bullet-proof vest program

Dopeyville -- Dopeyville Mayor Mickey Mouseberg has rejected calls by the Catholic Church to end its program of offering free bullet-proof vests.

The mayor explains that the vests will stop the penetration of bullets into human flesh, adding, "This is not an issue of faith, this is a health issue for the city."

Catholic authorities criticized Mouseberg in a statement saying he's failed "to protect the moral tone of our community when they encourage inappropriate murder attempts by blanketing our neighborhoods with bullet-proof vests."

"The taxpayer money that is being spent to distribute vests and promote the attitude that anything goes would be far better spent in fostering what is true and what is decent."

However, Mouseberg fired back against the statement saying, "they should preach to their congregants what they think is the appropriate ways to live your lives, but the health department has to work with the real world of people not practicing safe pot-shots, not practicing abstaining from murder, and this is a way to keep people alive."

Dopeyville has contracted Stupid Life Styles to supply the 1.5 million vests the Big Dopey gives away each month. This Valentine's Day the city also unveiled a new design, with volunteers handing the free vests out across the city in commemoration of the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.