And so, in the spirit of lay-people-helping-out, may I present an alternative statement for the Archbishop's review...to say nothing of that of his flock.
To Catholic Sentinel readers:
Last Friday (August 17, 2007), the Oregonian irresponsibly, stupidly, ignorantly, and—this ticked me off most of all, by the way—gushingly "reported" a story that is, was, and ever shall be a flat out lie.
Let's be clear, folks. Oregon, or any other state, city, township, burg, village, country, continent, or even suburb does not have a "woman Roman Catholic priest." You got that? Good. Let's continue.
What I should've done was squelch this imbecilic idea as soon as it happened. I didn't. My lame excuse was something silly like "the respect for those involved in the ceremony" but now I realize that this is just plain old crapola. My job is to get people to Heaven...not to give a bleep about "feelings." Sheesh, I feel—and probably rightly so—like a jerk.
But so be it. Get this, lambs o' mine, and get it straight:
No Catholic was involved in the ceremony at Zion United Church of Christ in Gresham on July 28. Did you get that? NO CATHOLIC WAS INVOLVED.
Why do I say this?
Because if a former Catholic went willingly into this charade, he or she willingly said "bye bye" to the Church by participating in it. Period.
Incidentally. While not opposed to "ecumenical relationships" between the True Church and our fallen away brethren (and if you think for one bleeping minute I'm going to add the word "sisthren" you can jolly well think again, sis) I'm frankly really ticked off at the Zion United Church folk. You guys know what our dogma is and if you don't then you ought to.
By allowing this circus to take place on your turf, you deliberately and maliciously slapped the Roman Catholic Church in the face. Were I a less charitable man, I would pray that your next three-bean-salad-covered-dish event be assaulted by roaches. But I digress.
Folks, my spokesman (yeah, she's a woman, but I hate this bleeping PC crap) gave the Oregonian a few rather limp reasons why we're not recognizing this heresy. One thing she forgot to mention was that it is a heresy. Couple of other points, in case you're interested and you'd damn well better be.
Christ is the bridegroom of the Church. Read your Bibles! For Heaven's sake (and I mean this literally) He must've compared the Church to a bride umpteen times. A priest acts ad persona Christi (and for those of you in my flock, that means "in the Person of Christ") and—well, duh!—guess what? A bridegroom is by definition a male and I don't give a bleep what they tell you in Massachusetts, do you get that? Good. Try to remember it, and if you can, tell your friends.
My main purpose in speaking up now is really simple: some people are trying to destroy the Church founded by Jesus Christ. They won't succeed, of course—again, check out your Bible—but they just well might prevent you folks from making it into Heaven. And I cannot stand still for that.I'm sorry the lady and her lady supporters and her guy supporters have decided to leave the Church, and I pray they come back. Hell, I'll do anything to get them back...anything short compromising the Church.
Sorry, by the way, but I can't be John-nice-guy and prattle all about the mutual respect of all "Christian" communities, yada-yada-yada. I love ya, guys, but at this moment you folks at Zion United "Church" of Christ and you folks at the Episcopal "church" who are letting this lamb of mine "celebrate" her "Mass" are deserving of nothing less than my active contempt. Like I say, I love ya, but sometimes tough love is called for.
And now hear this:
You guys who aided and abetted this lady into leaving the Church of Jesus? And you, lady, you who think you've got so much support? Listen good. I'm after you all. I pledge to do my utmost to bring ALL of you back into the Roman Catholic Church, God willing.
And I ask for the prayers of the people of the Archdiocese of Portland, Oregon, to join me in praying for this to come about.
Thank you, and may God bless you.