Sunday, September 01, 2013

Roman Catholic Priests: For Your Own GOOD…

….please stop mucking around with the words of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass in order to make me (a) feel "included" or (b) "express yourselves"

Just three examples.

1.) When you purify your hands…

Do NOT AUDIBLY say: "Lord, wash away our iniquities, cleanse us from our sins."

Say, (quietly) and mean it: "Wash me O Lord, from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin"

Here's why. First? You're a sinner, Padre. You haven't a bleeping clue about my sins but you sure know about yours. Second, and maybe even more important, this gives me a chance to pray for YOU and YOUR forgiveness. Don't blow it. I'm not a priest. You are. Remember that.

2.) At the Orate Fratres…

DON'T say anything like "Pray my dear brothers and sisters, that TOGETHER, our sacrifice…" blah blah blah. Those ain't the words, Father. The precise and beautiful words are "Pray brethren (you can substitute "brethren" with "brothers and sisters" if you wish although personally I find this tacky but it's allowed and it's the ONLY variant you're allowed) that my sacrifice and yours may be acceptable to God, the Almighty Father."

"What's the big deal?" you might ask. If you do, the answer is twofold. One, because that's the way it's written. (This answer is for those of you who are too lazy to THINK.) The real answer? Because it's YOUR sacrifice, primarily, Padre. Yes, it's also ours, but primarily? It's yours. In Persona Christi. Look it up. You'll note that we respond: "May the Lord accept the sacrifice at YOUR hands…"

(Sheesh, is it really for the sheep to guide the shepherds? Evidently at times it is.)

3.) Before receiving with the Lord… 

Do NOT PROCLAIM, loudly or otherwise:

"May the Body of Christ, bring us ALL to everlasting life" or any other such pious but really stupid, given the circumstances, words.

Padre o' mine. Again, you're a sinner. You've just done an awesome thing. By the power of God you've changed bread and wine into the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of JESUS CHRIST!!! Personally I think you should be quivering all over and not worrying about, in your imbecilic albeit well-intentioned way, the "feelings" of your "guests." You are NOT hosting a bleeping TEA PARTY here, Padre. You are about to receive Jesus into your soul and if this isn't the time to say these words then I'll be bleeped if I know when the proper time is! Just pray (again, inaudibly…we all know what you are, or should be, praying):

May the Body of Christ keep me safe for eternal life.

Do the same thing before consuming His Precious Blood:

May the Blood of Christ keep me safe for eternal life.

Kindly, at this most intimate moment, keep me and everybody else out of it. You fool! Don't you realize that when you start acting like Holy Hostess with your "inclusive" words, you're interrupting those of us who are praying for YOU?

Okay, that's it for now. Believe me, this hurt me than it hurt you (and you know who you are). At worst, Father? Just follow the Missal. At best? Pray it.

May God continue to bless you.